An encounter with the Presence within

Mar 27, 2024

By Mary Ong
My journey of seeking the Lord has never been an easy ride. Just like any young adult, I too was very much attracted to what the world could offer. When I approached my late twenties, I started to experience a ‘spiritual turbulence’. I started to sense that somethings just didn’t fit. It was like no amount of money could grant me that deep sense of joy. In early March of 2020, I took myself to meet a spiritual director for the first time. As she asked what my intention was, I answered ‘I would like to seek this joy that could fill this void that I have’. Since that day, God has blessed me with a spiritual director. As the years went by, the void was eventually filled with God’s grace, and I am eternally grateful.

In mid-2023, my spiritual director invited me to be part of ‘The Presence Within’ programme (Nov ’23 – Jan ’24). Honestly, I was in a dilemma because learning requires great humility! After much contemplation and even hesitation, I said yes.

Our group consisted of a spiritual director, three facilitators and five participants, with me being one of them. Since we were all from different dioceses, we could only meet face-to-face during the first and final sessions; with the rest being conducted online. Our sessions were held every Saturday afternoon. We would be asked to do some pre-work before each topic. Some of the topics that were touched on included ‘What is prayer?’, ‘Forgiveness’, ‘Suffering’, ‘Listening Skills’, etc. We normally started our session with an opening hymn, followed by Bible reading with some meditations. The facilitators toiled hard to prepare for each week’s topic. Unlike traditional formations, we emphasised more on identifying our innermost feelings and learning how to express them. Therefore, active participation was required, even by the facilitators. At times, the facilitators would pause to allow us to digest our emotions and then they would encourage us to elaborate how it related to the topic of the week.

The second half of the formation was a group sharing session. Here, we could share about any topic which was inspired by the Spirit. It was a guided exercise where each of us could freely express our views and practise our listening skills at the same time. As this was a safe zone, we committed ourselves to remain unbiased and objective throughout the session. In the beginning, I struggled to comprehend the motive of this exercise. It wasn’t easy for me to express myself in front of other people. During the group sessions, I had to consistently ask the Holy Spirit to help me to let go of my prejudices and help me to see as how God sees. It was surely not a walk in the park!

I remember one of the weekly topics was regarding ‘Suffering’. While working on the pre-work, I sensed something was off. Still, I prepped myself mentally for it. When the session started, it broke me. I was exceptionally quiet that day. The topic was about finding God through sufferings. I never wanted to talk about my pains, especially not after losing a dear family member of mine after years of battling with sickness. As the facilitators walked through the materials, flashbacks of painful memories swept me over. I became so numb that I lost the ability to speak. In my mind, I knew I could have allowed the group members to help me, but I stubbornly held on. The reason being, I couldn’t bear the thought of burdening them with my brokenness whilst they had their own load to carry. In the end, I took silence as my last defence. When the session was over, I threw myself across the bed because I was so spiritually exhausted. This wound that I perceived had been healed, was not fixed at all! I believe this was God’s way of calling out for my attention. I spent the rest of the week mending my shattered emotions through journaling; knowing that this was a red flag for me to discuss with my spiritual director when I met her in our next session.

During our last session, I was gazing towards the wounded Jesus on the cross where He is suffering in pain. There, He opened wide Himself for the world to see. There, His wounds, the drops of blood, that crown of thorns, those nails piercing through His hands and feet; there Our Suffering Lord lies. In all vulnerabilities, He called out to me to embrace His wounds and find healing on the wounds I still bear. This was how I ended ‘The Presence Within II’.

With this, I end with this favourite quote of mine:

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you.
(St Augustine of Hippo, The Confessions)

(Our guest columnist this week is Mary Ong, professional FP&A in the weekdays, catechist on the weekends. Leads a hybrid life between the Archdiocese of Kuala Lumpur and the Diocese of Malacca Johore. Loves food hunting, reading and concerts. Most of all, she loves spending ‘me time’ with God and cannot function without the Holy Eucharist!)