Grief … an unavoidable yet necessary journey towards Hope

Nov 01, 2024

As I was contemplating - Fr Gerard Steve Theraviam

November is a difficult month for many. Our visits to cemeteries and columbaria around All Souls’ Day force us to face up to memories of our dear departed loved ones. When their deaths are recent, it may all seem so raw and difficult, but unless we have encountered and accepted our grief, we may feel stuck and unable to move on. Even if the deaths were long ago, there are memories that may cause us to tear and be sad – after all, the pain of loss never really goes away but it may become less intense with time and healing.

Grief is an emotional and physical reaction to the loss of someone or something. This may be death or a life-threatening illness, loss of a job, the breakup of a relationship. We experience deep feelings of sadness and sorrow. We would like to turn the clock back to status quo. We also can feel emptiness, numbness - even worry and anger. It may also affect us physically - sleeplessness or a loss of appetite for food. Life loses its lustre and our reason for existence may seem very dark indeed. We may feel all confused, even depressed, and are unable to adequately articulate our feelings.

There is no quick-fix to grief. We all grieve differently and we need to take our time and space to work through our grief. Faith certainly helps, but sometimes we may be angry even with God and so it may be that our religious practices seem meaningless. Shout at God if you feel like it - that is also a form of prayer! Be honest with God and let God know exactly how you feel. God is not going to be upset with our ranting and raving - rather, it may help to let it all out!

We all grieve differently to different situations. When my father died suddenly of a heart attack at 75, I was rather numb and because of my busy schedule, I didn’t have the time and space to grieve properly until I went away overseas to study and had more time to work through my grief. A good book and spiritual direction helped - as did silent prayer, often before the Blessed Sacrament, allowing me to get in touch with my feelings and thoughts. Writing it down in a journal was helpful as I was finally able to articulate pent-up feelings and memories that I wasn’t aware of.

It was very different with my mother’s death. I actually started the process of grieving when she was diagnosed of cancer at 84 since we knew then that there was no cure, just palliative care. In the two years when I saw her deteriorate, a part of me died each time I realised that she was losing her bubbly, independent personality and became more quiet and dependant on others. Finally when she died it was almost a relief because I did not want to see her suffer any more - I had even asked God to take her because she was suffering so much in her last few days and I knew she was ready to meet her Maker.

In my grief, I appreciated the support of people around me, most of all when they were simply there for me. Words didn’t matter - presence did. Pious platitudes like “God loved her more, so God took her” or ‘Never mind, she is in a better place now” irritated me, but I held my tongue. A warm hug communicated much more than words did as did also presence of persons who were just there.

Suppressing our feelings or ‘being strong’ for others does not help at all. In fact when we express our grief openly, we allow family members and others also to grieve themselves. Otherwise we all hold it in unhealthily until we later ‘burst’. Grief often comes in waves sometimes strong and overwhelming. Triggers might be places or occasions. For instance, someone recently widowed might find it difficult to be at a wedding as it reminds them of their aloneness. It surely is hard initially but it gets better when we slowly step out in trust and faith.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief may also be of help.

She suggests that people go through five stages of grief which include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Again, these are not chronological stages but we may go up and down the stages or be in more than one stage at a time. While her work came out of working with terminally-ill persons, they are helpful in understanding Grief.

-- Denial – At this stage, we pretend that we haven’t encountered our loss. Maybe we want to turn back the clock. But soon the reality stares us in the face.

-- Anger – We may be angry with ourselves, or the person who died for leaving us or God for allowing the person to die.
-- Bargaining – Often we may try to bargain with God to see if there is anything we can do or change to make your loved one come back.

--Depression – We lose our meaning and purpose in life. Nothing makes sense or is worthwhile and we want to withdraw and avoid even our loved ones.

-- Acceptance: Slowly we come to terms with our loss and recognise that we can indeed go on.

In my own experience I saw this happening, before my mother’s death. At first I thought it was a bad dream and I hoped it would be gone when I awoke. I was angry with her initially for not seeking medical help earlier but a wise doctor suggested she might have been numbed with fear and confusion. I certainly bargained with God, hoping for a miracle.

Yet, I also came to accept her dying, knowing that I had to be prepared to help her and my family to journey towards her passing.

After her death, there was some anger at myself and others for not having done enough although I look back and see that there was nothing more we could have done. As I said earlier, much of the grieving had already been done so acceptance was easier to arrive at.

During this month of November, let us resolve not to run away from our grief. Recognise that there will be residual grief that needs to be worked through. The Mass of All Souls’ Day may be a source of strength. In fact, remember your loved ones in prayer for we pray for the dead at each Mass. Do visit the grave or columbarium. Create rituals that help us remember them with love. If your parish has a Remembrance Book, inscribe your loved ones names in it. Offer a Mass for them. Some parishes may have talks or programmes like Griefshare – do join in.

The Preface at Funeral Masses reminds us: 'For your faithful, O Lord, life has changed not ended; while our earthly dwelling is destroyed, a new and eternal dwelling is prepared for us in Heaven.’This reality gives us hope – especially as we know that one day, we will be united in heaven.

Grief takes time. It also takes courage. But we walk in faith, buoyed by the grace of God and the support of our family and community. Allow others to journey with you. We are never alone!
Let’s journey together in HOPE!

(Fr Gerard Theraviam is the parish priest of the Cathedral of St John the Evangelist in Kuala Lumpur, as well as the Spiritual Director to the World Community for Christian Meditation, Malaysia.)