Living on borrowed time

Aug 23, 2024

Mustard Seed Journeys - Joanne Wong

Yes — I am living on borrowed time. Aren’t we all?

As morbid as it sounds, I’ve picked out my outfit for when I go. Told my friends I wanted colourful blooms instead of plain white ones. I have not however got around to listing down my preferred songs for my wake nor picked out my casket yet, but I am leaning towards a rich brown, akin to my dining table (that now doubles up as my office).

My husband also kindly secured my final resting place — a couple’s niche, a very practical (though uncommon) gift he gifted me for our 10th year wedding anniversary. The niche is in a columbarium in Shah Alam with piped-in Christian music, air conditioning, and floor-to-ceiling glass windows looking out at calming greenery.

Some niches in the columbarium are plain while some are decorated with fabric or plastic flowers, children’s drawings, and other cute gifts. I wondered what ours would be like. Would it be plain and meh, or decorated like a neighbouring niche — a reflection of a person well loved? Would people visit the niche and pray for us? What would people say at my wake? How would they remember me?

So many things to do, so little time
As I write this rather morbid intro, I realise that I am still not ready to die. There is so much left to do. But time is passing so very quickly now. I blink and a week has gone by, two blinks and it’s a month.

And gosh, I still have so many dreams unfulfilled, places I have not visited, piles of books I have not read, half-finished craft projects discarded, the scented candles I have been keeping, the creative projects I was exploring, the book I daydreamed about writing, the thought I had entertained about going back to school, work stuff I wanted to accomplish... too many things left undone. All left for another day… that one day.

Then there are my loved ones. I had wanted to write them letters for key milestones in their lives (in case I wasn't around to share those movements with them — it was a lovely idea I read from a book).

How would my girls turnout? Are they going to have kids of their own one day? Will they remember the stories I shared, the advice I gave them? Would they remember my fluffy hugs? My silly laughter? My constant happy weeping during America’s Got Talent performances? How will my husband handle my two girls? Will he marry again if I die first – would this lady be a good mother figure to my girls?

I know I am getting ahead of myself — really thinking too far ahead and if I am honest, I'm getting nervous and sad listing down these thoughts. I am not yet ready for death. I am ready to give up this borrowed time.

Discerning my purpose
But how many of us can say that we are ready to go? That we have all our affairs in order. That we have truly “fought the good fight and run the race”.

While I think about death and all the preparation I want to do before I leave this earth, it would be remiss of me to not think about my eternal life… my purpose. The reason why I am alive. The reason God created me, wrote my name in the palm of His hand.

As shared in my last article, upon welcoming the Holy Spirit into my life again and gaining a fresh perspective on things, my priorities have changed. I am now a catechist and parent lead for the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd. I guide Year 1’s in their religious education. I have been for a few workshops and formations to know more about God and the Holy Spirit. I have attended a few beautiful charismatic praise and worship sessions and been more involved in church activities. I have a much healthier prayer life.

Please don’t think I am Miss Holy Moly suddenly, I am only human… falling so many times but knowing that He lifts me up, forgiving me time again and setting me down the right paths I should take.

And I still have a long way to go to fulfil my purpose to love Him and to serve Him. The rest of the “nice to have’s”, my accomplishments at work, my hobbies, experiences in life, etc. should be a springboard for me to bring people closer to Him but alas it is only over the past one to two years that I have truly started to really think about my purpose on earth, my “why”? but better late than never right?

We need to be less Martha, more Mary
What has been key for me of late is the beauty in discerning His will for me. It is the joy of learning new things about Him daily, of quenching this thirst for Him which was always there but which I had pushed aside and filled with other seemingly “more important things” and material possessions.

It’s about listening to people share their experiences about God and learning more about Him and His word. It’s about being curious about topics I never knew (spoiler: apologetics are not about people apologising) but which I am keen to know now. And it’s also about saying “yes” wherever He leads me, allowing Him to uncover things for me step by step.

I may be generalising but as we pursue more wealth, a better title at work, a fancier car, a more prestigious address, and more material possessions, most of us have forgotten our purpose of being alive, the reason we are here on earth. We have forgotten to acknowledge that everything we own comes from His goodness, grace and providence but instead have praised ourselves and all the hard work and good luck that’s come our way.

For those of us who are Catholic parents, we load our children with numerous tuition and enrichment classes: music, language, arts, drama, dance, and sports to ensure they are equipped to get a head start in life. But we sadly have neglected to enrich them with religious education, the understanding of His Word, the need for prayer and most importantly the mystery of faith and love of the Holy Eucharist.

We forget to strengthen their faith or leave it to one-hour classes conducted each week by our faith educators at church. We don’t teach them to pray the rosary and we sometimes don’t even attend Mass together as a family. Being Catholic seems almost like an afterthought throughout the year though we bring out our faith during Easter and Christmas. But we must do better for our children.

Some days I am also one of the parents described above and some days I role model well. Yet it is about acknowledging that we need to do more for ourselves and our children, that we are more Martha than Mary at times. Martha, always scurrying around doing so many inconsequential things yet missing out on what was most important... being in His presence, listening to His voice, guiding others to Him, serving others in need and loving when it was difficult or inconvenient.

So, this is me, living on borrowed time... trying to be more Mary, hoping to have made a difference in someone’s life, hoping to share God’s love with my girls and family, hoping my words have successfully planted a mustard seed in your life, and ultimately, someone trying her best to love and serve the Lord.

(Joanne Wong is on a journey towards having faith the size of a mustard seed. She welcomes thoughts and suggestions on how to have a closer walk with God. Email her at [email protected])