Ruminations: What remains blood

May 20, 2022

By Sharumeelee Ramachandran
It was at a New Year’s eve Mass (pre-pandemic days). I was seated at the front in church and looked around at the congregation, the crowd that had gathered to attend Mass. An overwhelming joy lifted my heart at the nearest and dearest around me ? my husband and my sons ? yet still something was amiss and I felt a sense of longing for my parents’ daughters, my sisters the ones I grew up with, ate with, laughed with, journeyed with until we walked our separate ways.

How time flies! A flood of memories came in, especially the death of loved ones ? my parents, siblings, cousins, relatives, uncles and aunts. Phases and chapters of my life of broken relationships past or present that needed reconciliation were still pending.

I tell myself this “We will never be born as who we are again...ever.” This is the one life you have to either bridge the gap or simply go into prayer and ask God for the change of heart and heal personal connections. I’m flawed and equally guilty of this ego and pride and as I pen this piece, I plead for God’s life-transforming love as only He can soften a heart. No matter what lies in our past, tomorrow is a new day, a fresh beginning, to right the wrongs and fix what we have broken. This does not define us and we are above it.

A wake-up call was the alert that rang within my consciousness — to realise just how much I was missing out and losing out from the company of my loved ones. Is God doing something in my life? He engineered this pocket of thoughts to come right out of me. This gift of penmanship that allows me to get into the details of my being, to the very fibre of it.

Often, we are misunderstood for abiding by our principles and I’ve always been a solo in life’s peaks and pits, even though there are people all around me. I love and enjoy my own company immensely. Like everyone else, I too need to restore faith, hope and love in my broken relationships or I could choose the easy way out and walk away with my pride and ego intact, but is it worth it?

Reconciliation and restoration are not because you are wrong but because it sets you free, and though we are apart but not abandoned, my heart and prayers go out to all broken relationships. I’m motivated by love to reconcile but I struggle with the coldness I receive. At times I find myself strong, asking God to prepare me for any sort of encounter and hoping that my task will be peppered with His providential care, for I fear the rejection of their love. Growing up and given our age gap, the respect was instilled. We now walk different paths and deep within a sense of refusal to allow this bond to decay but I can only walk so far... please meet me half way!

There is an absence of forgiveness and love, and the presence of disunity and discord, and I need to approach any kind of relationship there is with a dose of realism. This is how I put pen to paper to gain perspective, I want to go through to a place of healing, to mend what is broken and to simply say “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “Please forgive me” and “You’re an amazing soul”.

So, to my siblings, I miss the girlie stuff of life, the simplicity, the joys, the childish fights, the animosity and the growing pains. Am blessed to be able to reflect on this journey we have had. Little did I know our growing up years were numbered — just look at us today. We are the women we were meant to be ... strong, wise, kind and loving.

I’m honoured to write my thoughts about us for, as meaningful as written words can be, it is our lives that are the best witness to the truth. I’m dedicating a blog series, “What Remains Blood” to my beautiful, dynamic, strong sisters and am blessed to have them because ours is love of another kind.

(Sharumeelee Ramachandran is an educator for 25 years teaching Language & Literature. “I continue to write as it’s closest to my heart. And I draw insights from God in these pockets of thoughts, as it makes my heart think and my mind feel.”)