The hidden menace of domestic violence

The victims of domestic violence must know that they can reach out to those who have heard the Holy Father’s words and ask for assistance. While it is true that there are governmental and charitable organisations (including the Archdiocesan Mental Health Ministry set up by the Church) that offer help, advice and support, it is our personal Christian duty to do so.

Jun 17, 2022


By Harbans Kaur and Edward Phillips

Many of the worst crimes that afflict our society are clearly visible. When a murder takes place, for instance, we read about it in our newspapers, on television and social media. Some crimes, however, are hidden from sight behind the closed doors of our homes. These are the toxic crimes of domestic violence that menace the vulnerable — our wives, mothers and children.

The pandemic made an existing problem even worse. Incidents of domestic violence reported to the Royal Malaysian Police increased horrendously over the last two years. Yet, we can be certain of the incalculable number of incidents that were never reported.

What are the causes of domestic violence? While it is not possible to provide exhaustive answers to this question, we could suggest that lying at the heart of this crime is the unholy temptation of power. The exhilarating power that the perpetrator feels when he (statistically, it is usually ‘he’) exercises total control over another human being, who lies cowering in fear before him.

Many psychological studies have testified to masculine toxicity and that wives and children are their ‘property’ to treat as they will - to terrify and threaten, in order to increase their perverted sense of masculinity. This is even more devastating when combined with addictions to alcohol, drugs and gambling. In many cases, the perpetrators have internalised patterns of violence that they may have witnessed as children. They step into their father’s shoes under the misguided notion that hitting your wife is ‘normal’ – that this is what is expected of you ‘as a man’. Even worse, that their equally misguided male friends and drinking buddies will think less of you if you don’t show your wives and children who is ‘boss’.

In other cases, it is the men who are disenfranchised in other aspects of their lives — underpaid and unvalued jobs — who use violence as a means of boosting their own selfimage. Your employer does not recognise your worth or your friends disrespect you? Well — you can go home and hit your wife to take out your frustration on her.

Similarly, the perpetrators and victims of domestic violence are not just the poor, the less educated or those whom we might dismiss with the words: “Well, what else would we expect from someone like that?” Instead, the abusers may be doctors, lawyers, teachers, our friendly neighbour or the nice man who gives a generous donation to the church. And the victims are not always poor down-trodden women. Instead, they too, may be professionals, holding responsible jobs — their bruises hidden under carefully applied make-up, their black eyes hidden by sunglasses. In other words, both victims and perpetrators do not always fall neatly into our prejudices of what an abuser or his victim should look like or how they should behave.

Domestic violence also extends to psychological violence or ‘coercive control’. The perpetrator, through an exercise of emotional control, engages in the following: gradually cutting the ties between the victim and her family and friends, restricting her from meeting or speaking to those who might counsel her, taking control of her finances, restricting her movements, refusing access to a phone, or insisting that he reads any message she receives, even to making her give up her job. The perpetrator’s actions would lead to the victim beginning to doubt her own sanity. In all of this, the end result is to exert total control and even to leave the victim emotionally reliant on the perpetrator. Over months and years, the victim loses any sense of self-worth and identity — so much so that the victim cannot believe that any escape is possible and, even worse, colludes in her own oppression.

We ask— what role models do women set when they raise their sons? Too often, mothers over-indulge their sons to the extent that their sons see women only as existing to cater to their needs. How often have we heard women not only excusing their sons’ bad behaviour but seemingly proud of their arrogance? These sons are likely to grow up, perhaps unconsciously, with the notion that women are not entitled to respect or value.

Fathers, too, have a role to play. Girls who grow up in an environment where their fathers respect the women in their lives are far more likely to recognise the early signs of an abusive relationship and avoid the kind of men who perpetrate such violence.

We should also be careful about judging victims. It is easy to say that she could ‘simply’ have left him. Why did she stay? By staying, we might say, she colluded in her own abuse. This is grossly unfair and it ignores the reality of abusive relationships. The victims have been groomed by the long abuse. After many years, it is not so easy to walk away. Walk away and leave her children? Walk away with only the clothes on her back and with 10 cents in her pocket? Besides, he is likely to find her and drag her back. And without a refuge to go to, there is nowhere to find sanctuary anyway.

The dagger in the heart of all of this is that the abuser may continue to profess his love for her at the same time as he abuses her. In countless case histories, the victims will tell you that the abuser himself will cry and protest that he really loves her, asks for her forgiveness, that it will never happen again. Except that it does. Again. And again.

But change is possible. Better training for the authorities and medical professionals so that they recognise the signs of abuse and the complaints are taken seriously. Greater awareness for abused women that there exists avenues of escape and places of refuge — where their fears are taken seriously and counselling for their damaged mental health is available. Better education for boys, teaching them respect for the women in their lives. Better education for girls so that they don’t mistake psychological dependence for love. Until our fathers, our uncles and our brothers provide good role models of how to behave, the scourge of domestic violence will continue. This, then, is our personal responsibility — to make sure that we do our duty by providing those role models.

Pope Francis, in his 2022 New Year message had this to say: “to hurt a woman is an insult to God”. This means that it is our Christian duty to call out such “insults to God”; not to walk on by, pretending that it does not exist — ignoring the evidence before us.

The victims of domestic violence must know that they can reach out to those who have heard the Holy Father’s words and ask for assistance. While it is true that there are governmental and charitable organisations (including the Archdiocesan Mental Health Ministry set up by the Church) that offer help, advice and support, it is our personal Christian duty to do so.

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