The joy of birth and the sorrow of death: The pain of losing a child

Jan 26, 2025

Informed Opinion - Prof Xavier V. Pereira
Pope Francis’ prayer intention for November 2024 was pastoral and addressed parents who had lost children. It read, “We pray that all parents who mourn the loss of a son or daughter find support in their community and receive peace and consolation from the Holy Spirit”.

Many refer to Pope Francis as a reformist pope but I perceive him also as a pastoral pope. His reforms seem to revolve around pastoral issues.

I come from a family that, for years, mourned the loss of two sons. I am the eldest of four boys, and we tragically lost my second and third brothers when they were infants. I was just one year old when we lost my second brother, Gregory, so I have no memory of the events surrounding his death. However, the memory of losing my third brother, Anthony, remains vivid in my mind. It was the first time I witnessed my father weep uncontrollably. For years, my parents carried the weight of losing two beloved sons. Their healing was supported by the love of friends and relatives, as well as their faith in God, which consoled them.

Whenever I visited my mother, she often shared her life experiences with me at the dining table, and the stories of losing her two sons were always a prominent part of those conversations. My father was laid to rest in Anthony’s grave, and my mother in Gregory’s, as per their wishes during their lifetimes. We have honoured their wishes, and now we pray that all their souls may rest in peace.

Let me continue to discuss this painful topic, focussing on several variations of the loss of a child and the impact of these losses on parents.

Perinatal Loss
During Advent last year, I chose to watch the series The Chosen. I was surprised by season 3. It revolved around the perinatal loss or miscarriage experienced by Eden, the wife of Peter the Apostle. Of course, the actual events are not recorded in the Gospels but credit to the producers for introducing a significant event that occurs in the lives of couples.

Perinatal death includes miscarriages. The medical term for miscarriage is abortion because the foetus is naturally aborted from the woman’s uterus or womb. It also includes the death of an infant at birth and stillbirths. Perinatal loss is an incredibly painful experience for parents. I recall several years ago when a close friend came to me to talk about the miscarriage his wife had endured. He was deeply grieving the loss of the child they had been eagerly expecting. He felt confused and struggled with his faith, as this loss left him questioning how to make sense of such sorrow.

More recently, a relative shared with me the experience of her miscarriage from many years ago. Even after all this time, it still brought her great pain to talk about it. What hurt her even more was that her husband had not been supportive during that difficult time.

For people of faith, it is difficult to imagine this great loss as part of a loving God’s will for them. There are many reactions to this unexpected loss which include emotional responses like shock and disbelief, sorrow, grief, anger, shame, and guilt. There is also the tendency of the grieving parent to socially withdraw from family members and friends, and isolate self. There is also the feeling of being abandoned by God and being angry with Him. Thus, it is essential at this juncture that the bereaved receive support from their pastor, relatives and friends.

These emotional and behavioural responses in parents are common in the loss of a child in all age groups — in infancy, in childhood, in adolescence and in adulthood.

Sudden Death
Two common causes of death in teenagers and young adults in the US are accidents and suicide. Sudden death can also be caused by illnesses like cardiac events. Homicide also ranks high among the causes. These are difficult death experiences for the parents and family members of the deceased because of the sudden nature of the death, and the lack of time and preparation to address the passing of the child, unlike those in chronic terminal illness.

The suicide of a child is an especially heartbreaking and incomprehensible tragedy. Parents often question themselves and struggle with intense feelings of guilt and blame when their child takes their own life. The weight of this loss can be overwhelming, and for some parents, the emotional scars may never fully heal.

Impact on Parents
It has been reported that parents who have lost a child often suffer from anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. Many also suffer physical ill health. The couple may experience marital difficulties. Separation and divorce may result. Some may experience unresolved complicated grief resulting in severe depression and may require professional help.

As outlined in the Pope’s prayer, it is important that the communities that these parents belong to offer psychosocial support. Enhancing social support is also a therapeutic strategy in counselling and psychotherapy.

Intrapersonal efforts at healing this great hurt will take time. Hopefully, the consolation that comes from God can result in the internal experience of healing and peace.

(Xavier V. Pereira is a medical doctor, psychiatrist and psychotherapist, and an adjunct professor at Taylor’s University School of Medicine. He is also co-founder, director and pro bono psychiatrist of Health Equity Initiatives, an NGO that serves refugees with mental health challenges.)