A Blessed Life

Feb 22, 2025

A Blessed Life- Tianne Ramona Pereira
Is marriage all it is hyped up to be? I have people close to me who long to find their soul mate who will sweep them off their feet and fulfil that idyllic state of bliss, and at the very same time, I have people in my circle, whose once fairytale marriages have broken down irretrievably. And these are good people. So why?

I recently stumbled upon a deeply unsettling article that revealed an astonishing statistic — nearly 140 divorces are filed daily in Malaysia. Alarming, don’t you think? I would imagine every couple, standing hand in hand at the altar, gazing into each other’s eyes as they say “I do”, dreams of a love that will endure the test of time, a life filled with laughter, love and joy. Yet, every year thousands of people go bankrupt, are forced to move out, fight for custody of their children (and some even their pets) and need to restart their lives as a result of a divorce.

So how does a fairy-tale, once built on affection and shared dreams, unravel into a mere coexistence of "putting up with each other," or dissolve into the painful reality of a failed marriage? Were there invisible cracks in this once-thriving union or did life just get out of control?

I am married. My marriage is still at that young toddler stage. While I would categorize myself as happily married, I won’t deny there are days I feel like I am “going through hell” - and I am pretty sure my husband feels the same way.

But this was not always the case. I remember, as if it was yesterday, how I would get butterflies in my stomach when I saw him from afar, how we used to stay up all night talking on the phone, the non-stop messages going back and forth throughout the day, spending every chance we got together, talking about anything and everything under the sun. I remember feeling like I could not possibly be closer to or more comfortable with any other human being, and then boooom, in the blink of an eye, six years have passed and there are days we act like roommates barely exchanging words or even glances and annoyed by the presence of the other in the same room.

We had a great foundation - we are both Catholics, both raised in loving Catholic homes and both of us have parents who had good marriages and set good examples. We went for our marriage preparation course, prepared ourselves spiritually, no one could have been as prepared as we were for marriage, or at least that’s what I thought. But especially as a woman, what I failed to realize is that marriage does not always live up to the romanticized expectations portrayed on our TV screens and romantic novels, it is not always what we see on social media – marriage requires work.

It can be hard work to constantly be attentive, it can be hard work to always be disciplined, it can be hard to always have to forgive, it can be hard to always compromise. Like I said, marriage is hard work. Firstly, being in a relationship and being married are two completely different things. I think it’s easy for most of us to make our spouse the primary focus when the relationship is still young or before major distractions, such as career, commitments, children, infertility and others. However, the first year of marriage was the toughest, for me at least – this was because I was now in a position where every decision I made was now made based on two people. Even with this joining of two into one, we are still the individuals we were before we married. We still have our individual interests, circle of friends and goals that may or may not be in sync with those of our spouse. I am still me, and even more distressing (hehehe), is that my husband is still his own person as well. And while in the beginning it seemed exciting, after a while I felt like I was giving up so much, moving out of my comfort zone into new territory, leaving family behind, prioritising not one but two families, giving up on my unaccompanied independence, just to name a few. I also think because of feminism and the worldly view of equality, I never realised that men needed respect the way women need love. I thought my husband felt and thought the same way I did. I thought that if he was unhappy in our marriage, he would just open up to me, like I would to him. I thought our needs were identical – but I have come to realise they really are not.

I do know not everyone’s marriage is the same, but I am pretty sure everyone’s marriage becomes something that is not exactly as they would have had it planned. In life, we are required to deal with things we don’t really plan for, and from a Christian perspective, sin complicates what would otherwise be a simple solution.

I read somewhere that “most of the troubles we face in marriage are not intentional or personal. In most marriage situations, you do not face difficulty because your spouse intentionally did something to make your life difficult. Yes, in moments of anger that may happen. But most often, what is really happening is that your life is being affected by the sin, weakness, and failure of the person you are living with. At some point you will be selfish. In some situation you will speak unkindly. There will be moments of jealousy, bitterness, and conflict. You will not avoid this, because you are a sinner and you are married to a sinner.”

This reminds me that the Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches us that husband and wife cannot achieve the oneness that God intended without His help. Understanding how to live a married life that will thrive is possible for every couple who participates with God in living the fullness of their sacramental marriage. One of my greatest blessings is that my husband and I share the same faith. I always remind myself that God is committed to our marriage. Sometimes we just need that wake-up call to invite Him to be a part of it.

I love the analogy of marriage being a long-term exercise in gardening. If you have done any gardening, you know there are no shortcuts. When you see that house garlanded with gorgeous flowers blooming, healthy and in a variety of hues, you can remind yourself that what you are looking at is hard work. Gardens begin with hard work. Clearing up the land is not fun, but it is crucial. Digging holes for the seeds may not be the most enjoyable, but it too is an obligatory step. The work of regular watering, weeding and pruning is also a necessity. Marriage is like a flower, it is either growing or it is dying. On a daily basis we have to do something to feed our marriage. If we don’t, it will not grow.

I write this to tell the person who needs to hear it, marriage is not easy and that is absolutely normal. Some days, it feels like the best decision ever — filled with love, laughter and partnership and on other days it can be tough, frustrating, and requires work. It’s a mix of highs and lows, comfort and challenges, growth and compromise. But at its core, if you’re with the right person, it’s about choosing each other every single day, no matter what comes our way.

And to my husband, through all the ups and downs, the twists and turns, we are still finding our way through this journey of marriage. It’s not always the easiest, but there’s no one else I’d rather do this with. If I have to walk through storms or through “hell” itself — I’m just grateful it is with you.

(Tianne Ramona Pereira identifies first as a Catholic daughter, sister, wife and mother. From years in the media industry, she eventually started and continues to run her own businesses while teaching part-time. She has been actively serving in church for as far back as she can remember and is involved in various charities.)

--The views expressed are entirely the writer’s own.