Being the exception

Aug 25, 2023

Have you ever felt so out of place that you were pressured to conform, fit in, and become more like what others would accept or approve of?

As someone in his 40s who is not married, is not a priest, is not working for the Church, and who does not have a regular job, the pressure for me to ‘fit in’ is real and uncomfortable. Living life as a lay single missionary who tries to respond to God and go wherever He sends makes me somewhat of an oddball and an exception. It does not help when people get uncomfortable around me and try to put me back in a box by asking if I have considered joining a religious order, or if I am open to marriage, or if I belong to an organisation.

The truth is, I have spent almost my whole life trying to ‘fit in’, to change my appearance or behaviour so that I would be more included and accepted, or to live up to the expectations and standards of others. At the same time, I have also been guilty of trying to put others in a box whenever others act in ways that do not fit my worldview and accepted values, and appear to be exceptions to the ‘rule’ that I was brought up with.

It was not until I became an exception myself, under God’s divine sense of humour and purpose, that I began to step outside the box and discover a whole new world beyond what I was familiar with and exposed to.

Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest, wrote in his book Falling Upward that “in the spiritual life, and now in science, we learn much more by honouring and learning from the exceptions than by just imposing our previous certain rules to make everything fit… humans who are on the edge of what we have defined as normal, proper, or good, often have the most to teach us… Such constant exceptions make us revisit the so-called rule and what we call normal – and recalibrate!”

Indeed, it was only after God had invited me to leave the path towards the priesthood did I start to take time to explore and discover more of my God-given uniqueness and gifts, and eventually bless others with unique workshops, safe spaces, and creative ways to encounter God or discover more about themselves. While my ways do not fit the conventional mould or the expectations of others, and have at times caused frowns or raised eyebrows, it has certainly blessed many others in surprising and unexpected ways, and at the same time has allowed me to live life with so much more freedom, joy and meaning as my true and unique self.

Through my missions, I have also had the privilege to meet many other ‘exceptions’ who may not be so readily accepted by the society, or even within the Church, but through my interactions with them, I have learnt so much more about how God meets them in the margins and in their uniqueness, and even breaks the mould to offer His love to them in ways that can sometimes look scandalous to those stuck in the mould.

Richard Rohr further points out that “Jesus had no trouble with the exceptions, whether they were prostitutes, drunkards, Samaritans, lepers, Gentiles, tax collectors, or wayward sheep. He ate with outsiders regularly, to the chagrin of the Church stalwarts, who always love their version of order over any compassion toward the exceptions.”

At a half-day workshop for students which I was co-facilitating with a fellow ‘exception’ who herself has been misunderstood and rejected by others, one of the participants was a boy that was always caught sleeping in class, and labelled as ‘lazy.’ Yet what eventually surprised the mother was how he was able to sit through our entire half-day of workshop without sleeping, and even responded to our questions when certain things interested him. Another boy who was so shy to even say his name at the start of the workshop eventually starting sharing his thoughts and even made friends with the ‘lazy’ boy above.

What my friend basically did to bring about such responses was to tell the entire group of participants that each of them was the most important person in this class. She gave them permission to be themselves, even if it meant looking at their phones if they wished, or choosing not to participate if they did not want to. Yet somehow, given this freedom, acceptance and unconditional love that not many would have extended to them, many of these students who had been labelled and rejected actually responded to us in ways that simply blew our minds and surpassed our expectations.

This perhaps taught me the most important lesson I have learnt from all these amazing experiences: that we are all meant to be EXCEPTIONAL in the unique way in which we were created. Being the exception is the norm as how God meant for us to be. We were all made to stand out and shine, and not be put into a box. We were not made to conform but be transformed to our true and amazing selves. The sooner we discover how exceptional we are, the sooner perhaps we learn to accept and celebrate the exceptions around us, the way Jesus did.


(Nicholas Lye is a lay missionary and creative evangelist who loves to help people encounter God and discover His truths through sights, sounds, taste and touch. Check out tinyurl.com/prayerthroughart for the various prayer workshops he offers both physically and through online platforms.)