Childhood trauma and shame

Feb 18, 2022

           Heart, Mind and Soul Fr Philip Chua

On the outset, the terms “trauma” and “shame” may appear unrelated. In truth, however, there is a strong correlation between the two. Shame is a powerful emotion and is responsible for a host of problems including self-criticism, self-blame and self-neglect.

It is a term that refers to a chronic feeling or emotional state of feeling bad, worthless, inferior, and/or fundamentally flawed. The shame that one experiences has its roots in trauma. Trauma, on the other hand, is an emotional response to a dreadful event such as a physical or sexual abuse, an accident or natural disaster. Whilst these events are traumatic in nature, there are many other permutations of a traumatic experience which may not be readily associated as such, for example, childhood neglect.

Many of the psychological issues that one faces are likely to originate from one’s childhood. Traumatic childhood experiences often leave a deep wound which may persist into adulthood. When a child encounters repeatedly demeaning statements from the child’s parents, such as “You are stupid”, “You are useless”, and “It is all your fault” and is also criticised, abused and deliberately humiliated, they in turn harbour the shame deep inside, decaying, in the process, their own self-worth. Some common beliefs a person suffering from toxic shame include: “I am unlovable”, “I do not matter”, “Everything is my fault”, “I cannot do anything right”, “I do not deserve good things”, “I was a bad child”, “I deserve to be treated the way others treat me”, “I’m a bad person”, “My needs and wants are not important”, “Nobody likes me”, “I cannot be myself around others”, “I have to hide my true emotions and thoughts”, and “I am never good enough”.

This mental state results in unhealthy behaviours including having toxic relationships, poor self-care and perception, being overly sensitive to the perception of others and being susceptible to manipulation and exploitation. In the absence of a safe haven for comfort and reassurance, they begin to speak of themselves in the same manner, conditioning themselves into routinely feeling ashamed. Consequently, this leaves an ineradicable mark which may last a life-time unless it is gently healed. Toxic shame is, however, not easily identifiable as it is often defended by our dissociation, anger and futility — tucked and hidden away like anxiety, depression or addiction.

Unfortunately, it is common for a shameridden person to also suffer from a lingering feeling of anxiety and low self-esteem. There are various coping mechanisms employed —some people cope by hurting or not taking care of themselves, while some hurt other people and become highly antisocial and depressed. Toxic shame is often accompanied by toxic guilt, where the person feels unjust responsibility and guilt. So, the person not only feels ashamed, but also feels guilty for things they are not actually responsible for. They also feel responsible for the emotions of others, and feel ashamed and guilty when other people are unhappy, especially if it is in some way, attributable to them.

Children are highly dependent on their parents for their physical and emotional wellbeing. As they cultivate a greater sense of self, they rely on their parents’ reflection and appreciation of their true self and identity. Children must be able to express their actual feelings, wants, perceptions, thoughts and aspirations. In turn, parents must mirror those feelings with acceptance, validation, and protection. Therefore parents, as guardians, play a pivotal role in creating a nurturing and reassuring environment for children so that they have a more wholesome image of themselves – one who is competent, acceptable and not inferior to others. When parents fail to fulfil these crucial needs, children create distorted beliefs about themselves. In their developing minds, they believe that if they are not entitled to have their own feelings, needs, and desires, then something must be wrong with them.

There are, however, tips that parents may employ to manage the risk of childhood trauma and the resulting feeling of shame. They include:

1. Do not overpraise them, only praise when it is true. The praise should be focused on the effort rather than the achievements because children may not always emerge a winner or a top scorer all the time.

2. Stop harsh criticisms. Words like, “You are stupid” are often interpreted by children as the truth and their whole-being crumbles.

3. Give your children some form of responsibility as early as possible. Helping around and showing acts of kindness instil positive and reassuring feelings.

4. Act what you preach. Children regard their parents as role-models. If they did something wrong, they probably would have emulated the behaviour from their parents.

5. Focus on their strength. Children with the right aptitude and talent can be successful in their own right. Focusing on their strengths will help them to elevate their confidence and realise their full potential. Childhood trauma and the resulting shame create a fractured foundation for the individual for the rest of their lives. As a result, they may spend their lives searching to fill the profound sense of emptiness they feel where there should have been a healthy and wholesome sense of self. There is a saying that goes “Childhood constitutes the most important element in an adult’s life, for it is in his early years that a man is made”. It is therefore critical that we recognise that as parents or guardians, we possess the capacity to shape a child’s life and determining his or her prospects in life. Central to this is the need for us to provide a wholesome and nurturing environment for children to grow and flourish in, as well as be acutely aware of the debilitating impact that a traumatic experience may have on them. 

--Fr Philip Chua is a registered and licensed Counsellor & Clinical Supervisor under Lembaga Kaunselor Malaysia. He is also the Ecclesiastical Assistant of the Archdiocesan Mental Health Ministry and can be contacted at: [email protected]