God lifted me from the depths of my despair

Nov 22, 2024

Carmel Dominic
At first glance, Samuel Edmund Theivendran might not immediately strike you as someone who is a full-time Catholic lay missionary. Yet, the 27-year-old, with his robust and energetic presence, has wholeheartedly left his former life behind to embrace the calling of missionary work. In July 2024, he was officially commissioned as a full-time missionary by the bishop of Penang, Cardinal Sebastian Francis. Samuel is also a pioneer member of The Seeds Ministry, actively contributing to its mission from the very beginning.

Samuel was born in Penang and raised in Bidor, Perak. He moved to Penang Island to further his education and was later accepted into the engineering faculty at USM. After graduating as a materials engineer, he quickly secured a job with a company producing circuit boards for electronic devices. The company placed him in a junior management programme, which required participants to rotate through different departments every three months. Samuel’s first assignment was in the Program Management Department, where he oversaw the entire manufacturing process of the product. Although he excelled in his role, Samuel’s true passion lay in engineering, and he eagerly awaited his rotation into that department. However, his superiors were so impressed with his performance that they kept him in the business department for more than six months, delaying his move. This left Samuel feeling frustrated, as he longed to apply his skills in engineering.

“I was really upset and found myself arguing with God,” Samuel recalls. “It felt unfair that I wasn’t allowed to rotate into engineering as promised. That’s what I studied and that’s where my passion was. In my frustration, I stopped praying altogether. Looking back, I realise it was a small issue to be so upset about. I mean, I had a job, and this was during the height of COVID. I should have been grateful, especially when so many others were being retrenched. But at the time, all I could think about was getting into engineering.

As I distanced myself from prayer and any connection with God, I began to give in to sin and live a double life.”

At this point, Samuel, who was the youth director of The Seeds Ministry, found himself living a double life, wearing two ‘masks.’ One was his public face in ministry — smiling, laughing, and praising God. But the other, the mask he wore privately, was slowly eroding his spirit.

As time passed, Samuel became emotionally drained, struggling to maintain a joyful façade while feeling empty, lonely, and distant from God. It wasn’t that he had stopped loving God or forgotten who God is; rather, it was the weight of how far he had strayed from grace and the deep shame that came with it.

Unsurprisingly, Samuel soon sank into depression. On top of everything he was already struggling with, he decided to change jobs, which required him to commute daily from Kulim to the island. The long travel left him physically exhausted, and he began experiencing suicidal thoughts, teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown. Noticing that something was wrong, Paul Julianose, the founder of The Seeds Ministry, encouraged Samuel to rent a room with him on the island to lighten his burden. However, Samuel, fearing that living with Paul would further drain him emotionally, initially declined. But Paul, sensing his long-time friend wasn’t himself, persisted. Eventually, Samuel agreed and moved to the island, renting a room in the same apartment as Paul. Despite the move, Samuel’s pride kept him from opening up about his struggles to Paul or others in the ministry. He spiralled deeper into depression, battling suicidal thoughts in isolation.

“I was constantly hiding my true self," Samuel admits. “I didn’t talk about it to anyone. I wasn’t spiritually or emotionally invested in any of the Seeds’ programmes I participated in — I was just there physically. It was exhausting, pretending to be someone I wasn’t.”

After three months of living on the island, God intervened, pushing Samuel to confront his struggles head-on. During a faith-building programme at the Cathedral of the Holy Spirit, Samuel felt the Holy Spirit urging him to receive the Sacrament of Confession. Initially hesitant and fearful, he eventually took the leap and confessed everything he had been carrying and concealing. The priest asked him a simple yet profound question: did Samuel truly believe in his heart that God could forgive all his transgressions and free him from depression and suicidal thoughts?

This question shook Samuel to his core, challenging his belief system. But deep down, he knew who his God was and realised that no matter how far he had strayed, God’s love could always reach him. After Confession, he felt an immense weight lifted from his heart and knew he had been forgiven. Samuel had become a living testament to Ephesians 2:1-10.

In the days that followed, Samuel began discerning his true calling with greater clarity and conviction. Although he had once dreamed of becoming a missionary, his double life had kept him from pursuing it seriously. Now, with a clean slate, he allowed himself to fully embrace the idea of becoming a full-time missionary. As a member of The Seeds Ministry, Samuel found joy in meeting new people, helping them navigate their daily struggles, and encouraging them to build a relationship with God. This gave him a deep sense of purpose and fulfilment. He realised that his calling went far beyond the routine of a 9-to-5 job; his soul longed for something more meaningful.

As Samuel began discerning his calling, he sought guidance from three key individuals: Paul Julianose, Derek Chong — a fellow Catholic full-time missionary and spiritually mature brother in Christ who had walked alongside Samuel in his faith journey — and a third trusted person who played the role of devil’s advocate. Each of these men played a pivotal role in Samuel’s decision-making process. Paul helped him reflect on his intentions and motivations for pursuing this path, Derek reignited his passion for full-time mission work, and the third offered a critical perspective to challenge his thinking. In most cases, receiving three different viewpoints might lead to confusion, but because all three men were led by the Holy Spirit, they provided Samuel with the clarity and direction he needed. Even so, Samuel felt it was important to test his desire for this calling before making a final decision.

“I needed God to give me a clear sign, a stamp of approval, and I wanted the assurance that He would provide for me if I left my stable job. So, I made a bold request — I asked God for a promotion. I figured that if He gave me this promotion, which I wasn’t technically eligible for until two years later, it would be His way of showing me that He would always provide, even if I embraced the life of a full-time missionary. It was kind of like reverse psychology: if God could give me the promotion now, I’d trust that He would continue to provide for me in the future. And guess what? Not only did I get the promotion, but I also received one of the highest percentage pay increases in the company!

I’ll admit, I hesitated for a moment because it was such a lucrative offer. But I knew deep down it would never bring the fulfilment that serving God does. After that, I handed in my resignation letter with a clear mind and a joyful heart.”

Of course, his superiors were reluctant to accept his resignation and encouraged him to sleep on it, urging him to reconsider his life’s choices. But Samuel was resolute, deeply convicted by God’s call on his life.

Nothing was going to stand in his way now. While his family initially resisted, concerned about his financial stability, they eventually came to support him when they saw his firm resolve in pursuing his mission work.

Samuel is now fully engaged in the young adults’ ministry under The Seeds and is also discerning the possibility of joining the priesthood.

If you would like to learn more about Samuel’s mission work or offer financial support, please contact him at 014-241 9434.

To learn more about The Seeds, visit www.theseedsministry.com.