Pope’s prayer intention for November: Praying for parents who have lost a child

Nov 01, 2024

Prayer Prism -Fr Fabian Dicom

The Heart of a Grieving Parent: A Story of Loss and Love
I woke up early one morning to find a message on my phone. It was from a very dear friend, and as I read her words, my heart sank: her daughter, a very lovely young lady, had passed away earlier that morning. Just the evening before, I had anointed her in the hospital, and her mother had been filled with hope and optimism for her recovery. It felt surreal to think that, within those few hours, the vibrant light of her young life had been extinguished, leaving her loved ones devastated.

Remembering that day, her mother expresses the depth of her heartache:

“In the nineteen years that have elapsed, there has never been a day that I have not thought of her. She was such a vibrant young person, innately happy and kind. In her late teens, she fell ill, and although she recovered, it weakened her. Over the years, her health deteriorated, and she suffered greatly. It was agonizing to watch her in pain, hearing her whispered ‘feelings of despair’ which was destroying her ‘love of life and will to live’.”

The mother prayed constantly for her daughter’s healing, but it was not to be. That fateful day, she says, is etched in her memory: “I lost my child. In the natural order of things, children are expected to outlive their parents, not the reverse. I held myself accountable for what I failed to do and begged God’s forgiveness.”

She shared that, for a long time, she had exhorted her daughter to think positively, hoping it would help her get better. Now, she wonders if offering comfort and simply walking with her daughter through her suffering might have been better.

Though her loss is immense, she holds onto the memory of her daughter’s moments of happiness: “There were times when she would wake up with a smile on her face, her eyes sparkling, saying, ‘I feel better!’ These precious times, our shared Moments of Happiness, are forever embedded in my heart. I thank God for the gift of my daughter.”

Now, years later, she reflects on her journey: from days of sadness and despair with only some moments of peace and joy, to her current days of peace and tranquillity with only some moments of sadness. This story encapsulates the depth of parental grief—a grief that stays but transforms with time.

Lorraine and Woon Wee’s Journey with Ian
Another powerful example comes from Lorraine and Woon Wee, who lost their son Ian after a long journey of hope and heartache. From the beginning, Ian did not develop like other children, and despite exhaustive tests and treatments, they never found a clear answer to his condition.

“We did everything we could,” Lorraine shares. “We travelled abroad for treatments, including stem cell therapy in India and surgery in Japan. But even after all that, Ian’s condition didn’t improve much. It was hard to accept.”

Ian’s final months were the most difficult. His health deteriorated rapidly until his body could not hold on any longer. Lorraine and Woon Wee were left devastated, their daily lives once filled with Ian’s care suddenly became empty. Yet, through the sorrow, Lorraine finds peace: “I did everything I could. I have no regrets. That’s how I cope now. I gave my all, and because of that, I can live with this loss.” Woon Wee echoes her feelings, acknowledging the immense support they received from their community. “I’ll always be proud of how we, as a family, treated Ian. He was part of us, and that pride and acceptance are what get us through the hard days.”

“We miss him deeply,” Woon Wee says, “but knowing he’s at peace now brings us some measure of peace too.”

A Community of Support: The Call of the Church
These stories highlight the deep, enduring pain of parents who lose a child. As Pope Francis calls us to remember his prayer intention for this month, we pray that all parents who mourn the loss of a son or daughter may find support in their community and receive peace and consolation from the Holy Spirit.

As a Church, we have a responsibility to stand with these parents. Grief is not something that can be “fixed” with words, especially not with spiritualised platitudes like “God needed another angel” or “It was His will.” These well-intentioned phrases often wound more than they heal. Instead, our role is to accompany the grieving, to hold space for their pain, and to allow them to share their stories without fear of judgment or discomfort.

In Lorraine and Woon Wee’s story, we see the importance of community, namely their families and friends. “It wasn’t just us who raised Ian,” Lorraine says. “Our entire family and friends loved him as much as we did. Ian brought out the best in all of us.” This support did not fade after Ian’s death but continues to help them navigate their grief.

The Consolation of the Holy Spirit
While the love of the community is critical, the Holy Spirit offers a unique and irreplaceable source of comfort. As promised in John 14:26-27, the Spirit brings peace that the world cannot give — a peace that softens grief without erasing it. For parents mourning the loss of a child, this peace may come in quiet, unexpected ways: a sunset, a kind word, or a memory that brings a fleeting smile.

The Holy Spirit does not take away the sorrow but transforms it into something bearable. It is a peace that allows grieving parents to carry their child’s memory in a way that honours both their love and their loss. Lorraine’s ability to say, “I have no regrets,” is a testament to this transformation.

The Unseen Grief: Parents Estranged from Their Children and the Loss of Unborn Life
As we reflect on parents who have lost a child, we must also remember those whose grief arises from broken relationships with their living children. For many, the pain of estrangement is a profound kind of loss. These parents may live in hope — sometimes painfully prolonged — of reunion or reconciliation. Though their children are alive, the emotional separation can feel like an unhealed wound and a deep loss, leaving them with a constant sense of absence. This grief is deeply personal, often carrying unspoken sorrow and longing for restoration.

In addition, we must also acknowledge the delicate and often unspoken grief of those who have lost a child through miscarriage, medical treatment or termination of pregnancy. These parents bear a hidden kind of mourning, sometimes carried in silence, as they grapple with the weight of loss. Whether their grief is rooted in the loss of an unborn child or in the choices that were made, it is a sorrow that touches the deepest parts of their being. The Church's call is to extend tenderness and compassion to these parents, offering them the space to grieve without judgment and to find healing in God's mercy.

In the face of such profound loss, the Holy Spirit becomes a quiet companion for all parents mourning their children — both living and unborn. He offers not just peace but also the strength to carry their grief and the grace to find moments of healing.

A Call to Prayer
As we lift up the Pope’s intention this month, let us commit to praying for all parents who mourn the loss of a child - not only for parents who have lost a child to death but also for those who live with the pain of broken relationships or carry the loss of a child unseen. May they feel the peace and consolation of the Holy Spirit guiding them through their sorrow, offering the quiet assurance that God walks with them even in their deepest grief. May their journey through grief lead them toward healing, where sorrow is accompanied by love, and despair transforms into hope.

Fr Fabian Dicom is the National Office Director for Caritas Malaysia.