The heavy burden of brokenness

Feb 28, 2025

Prayer Prism - Fr Fabian Dicom
Over the years, walking alongside people in my priestly ministry, I have encountered countless families struggling with division, resentment, and wounds that refuse to heal. I have sat with parents estranged from their children, siblings who no longer speak, and spouses who carry years of unspoken hurt. I have witnessed the tears of those who long for reconciliation but do not know where to begin. And I have also seen the heavy silence of those who have given up, believing that some wounds can never be mended.

It is not that people are heartless; rather, their pain runs so deep that they feel incapable of moving beyond it. Over time, what began as a rift solidifies into a norm, and reconciliation seems impossible. Yet, beneath the silence, I have sensed an unspoken yearning for healing — the quiet suffering of those who wish they had reached out before it was too late. I have seen the sorrow of reconciliation that never came, the anguish of words left unsaid before one party passes away.

Pope Francis, in his prayer intention for families in crisis, highlights the urgent need for families to seek healing. His words resonate deeply, as he recognises how vital reconciliation is to human flourishing. Families carry the weight of history, love, duty, and, sometimes, unbearable pain. The journey towards healing is neither linear nor easy, but it remains one of the most vital and powerful calls of our lives.

In the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), Jesus presents a deep image of reconciliation within a family. The father, though his son’s actions led to a separation, chooses unconditional love and grace over judgment. He welcomes his son back with open arms, a powerful reminder that healing is not about erasing past pain, but about embracing one another despite it. True healing lies in the power of love to transcend hurt, showing that forgiveness is a choice that moves beyond the injury itself. This resonates with the words of Jesus in Matthew 18:21- 22, where He teaches that forgiveness must be given generously, as the Father offers us His mercy.

The struggle of filial piety and family expectations
In many Asian cultures, filial piety is deeply ingrained, shaping relationships between parents and children. While honouring one’s parents is a commandment (Exodus 20:12), misunderstandings arise when this expectation demands unquestioning obedience, even when it leads to deep personal conflicts. Many children, even as adults, struggle between pleasing their parents and trusting their own wisdom in shaping their future. This tension can create wounds that linger for years, making reconciliation even more difficult.

One of the most painful examples I have encountered is when families reject a child’s choice of spouse due to racial or religious differences. In our multiracial and multi-religious society, interfaith and interracial marriages are common, yet they often come with significant struggles. Many couples face rejection, sometimes outright disownment, because of their decision to marry outside their ethnic or religious background. Some parents see this as a betrayal, while the couple simply desires to build a life together in love and mutual respect. These divisions can last for years, with children caught in the impossible position of choosing between family and love.

Traditional family ideals emphasise the importance of mutual respect, where love is understood not as control, but as the space for each person to grow in freedom and dignity. However, when filial piety is misinterpreted as blind obedience, it can lead to strained relationships rather than fostering stronger bonds. True love within the family should not seek to suppress the individuality of each person but rather help them mature and develop in a healthy, supportive environment. The Church teaches that true parental love leads children to maturity, not submission (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2222-2230). Reconciliation in such situations requires more than apologies; it calls for a deeper transformation in how love, respect, and autonomy are understood.

The dark reality of domestic violence and abuse
The wounds of family brokenness become even more complex when they stem from domestic violence and sexual abuse. Here, the path to healing is far more difficult. Forgiveness cannot be simplistically prescribed; it must be approached with care, justice, and protection for the victim. Too often, survivors are pressured to reconcile for the sake of maintaining family unity, yet without true accountability and transformation, such reconciliation becomes another layer of suffering.

Healing in these cases must prioritise safety and justice. Pope Francis has spoken strongly against the tolerance of abuse, calling for a culture where the dignity of every person, especially the vulnerable, is upheld. In cases of deep trauma, forgiveness does not mean immediate reconciliation. Instead, it can be the long, arduous journey of reclaiming personal dignity and choosing not to be consumed by hatred. Some may never fully reconcile with their abusers, and that, too, must be acknowledged as a valid path toward healing.

The long road to forgiveness
Forgiveness is often misunderstood as a moment of letting go, but in reality, it is a process — a difficult, messy, and deeply human journey. Some families find a way through their wounds, rediscovering each other's gifts despite their differences.

Others struggle for years, never quite reaching full reconciliation, but perhaps moving toward a place of peace within themselves.

One moving story I would like to share is about a father and son who had been estranged for decades The father, set in his ways, could not accept his son’s life choices. The son, hurt and angry, cut off all contact. It was only on the father’s deathbed that the son returned, and in those final moments, years of silence and resentment melted into a single embrace. It was not a perfect resolution, but it was a step towards healing.

At the same time, I have seen families where reconciliation never came, and the grief of unresolved conflict lingered long after one party had passed away. These stories remind us that while forgiveness is possible, it is not automatic. It requires effort, grace, and sometimes, the willingness to take the first step even when the other is not yet ready. As St John Paul II wrote in Dives in Misericordia, forgiveness is both a human and divine act, requiring God’s grace to be fully embraced. He emphasises that while God’s mercy and forgiveness are freely given, humans are also called to extend that forgiveness to others, drawing strength from God’s grace.

A call to healing
Pope Francis’ prayer intention for families in crisis is a call for all of us to reflect on the wounds within our own homes. Whether we have suffered division, misunderstanding, or even more, deep betrayals, we are invited to seek the grace to move toward healing. This does not mean forgetting or pretending that pain does not exist. Rather, it means choosing to confront it with love, courage, and faith.

For some, reconciliation will mean mending broken relationships. For others, it may mean finding peace within themselves, even if reconciliation with the other remains out of reach. But in all cases, the journey towards healing is one that can transform not just our families but our very souls.

May we find the strength, to take that first step, to seek the grace of forgiveness, and to walk, however slowly, toward healing together.

(Fr Fabian Dicom is the National Director of Caritas Malaysia)